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She really is upset by this whole thing.”“I know,” I said. “But what are our options?”“None, really, unless you don’t want to go out with me.”“I do want to keep going out with you! I told Carol I didn’t want to see her again because of you!”“But we’re not steady,” Emmy said.“I’d much rather be with you than her, no matter what,” I replied.Emmy smiled broadly as I pulled into the parking lot of Ponderosa and shut off the engine. I didn’t move to get out because the conversation wasn’t finished,. I actually had to think about it for a minute in order to answer him. I knew I wanted it, but I wasn't really sure why.Looking toward the headboard, I said, "I don't know. I guess I've been thinking about it since I ordered the thing and I've gone from being afraid of it to wanting some closure." I looked back toward him and laid down off of my arms. "And I guess I'm kind of turned on by the thought of you using it on me".He thought about it and looked up and down my body, then a light seemed. Having moved into my own home, the temptation should have been to bewhatever and whoever I pleased, the reality though was that societalconstraints and the need to be accepted by my workmates ( my only peergroup as I had no one I could call a friend) meant that I felt anoverriding need to conform.I not only continued to hide the real me, I started to date a femalefriend of a male colleague. She was the first person I ever developed asexual relationship with and it did not happen easily - we had. It might be that once someone got her fires stoked she would get turned on to me again, like when we were first married. Or it might be that guilt at what she was doing would push her into performing, and performing well, for me. Or, if nothing else, she couldn't complain about me having an affair if she was having one herself. Besides, I convinced myself, she used to love making love. Helping her regain that would be a gift to her, even if I wasn't her partner.Now you're probably thinking that.
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